this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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