did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
