she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
