Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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