walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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