did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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