what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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