Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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