What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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