all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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