Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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