i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
