i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
