i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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