Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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