all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
