Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
