I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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