So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
