Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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