mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
