so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
