your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
