Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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