I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
