Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
