Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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