To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
