Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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