Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
