My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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