4 words: hood of his car
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
