you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
