I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
