This is not my ceiling
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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