you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
