exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
