just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
