So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
