This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
