ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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