How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
