dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
