I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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