i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
