I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
