Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
