why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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