you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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