He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Holy sore nipples Batman
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
