When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
