There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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