my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
